Harvard | Mr. Consumer Goods Senior Manager
GMAT 740, GPA 8.27/10
Berkeley Haas | Mr. Evolving Teacher
GRE 328, GPA 3.26
Columbia | Mr. Indian I-Banker
GMAT 740, GPA 8.63
Cornell Johnson | Ms. Chef Instructor
GMAT 760, GPA 3.3
UCLA Anderson | Ms. Tech-y Athlete
GRE , GPA 3.63
Harvard | Mr. Deferred Financial Poet
GMAT 710, GPA 3.68
Harvard | Mr. Lieutenant To Consultant
GMAT 760, GPA 3.7
Berkeley Haas | Ms. EV Evangelist
GRE 334, GPA 2.67
Wharton | Ms. Product Manager
GMAT 730, GPA 3.4
Wharton | Mr. Indian Engineer + MBA Now In Consulting
GMAT 760, GPA 8.7 / 10
Chicago Booth | Mr. EduTech
GRE 337, GPA 3.9
Cornell Johnson | Mr. Indonesian Salesperson
GMAT 660, GPA 3.49
Berkeley Haas | Mr. LGBT+CPG
GMAT 720, GPA 3.95
McCombs School of Business | Ms. Tech For Non-Profits
GRE 312, GPA 3.2
Harvard | Mr. Combat Pilot Non-Profit Leader
GRE 329, GPA 3.73
UCLA Anderson | Mr. Actual Poet
GMAT 720, GPA 12.0/14
MIT Sloan | Mr. Indian Healthcare Analytics
GMAT 720, GPA 7.8
Harvard | Mr. Healthcare Administration & Policy Latino Advocate
GRE 324, GPA 3.4
Cornell Johnson | Mr. Asian Mexican Finance Hombre
GMAT 650, GPA 2.967
Stanford GSB | Mr. Filipino Startup
GMAT 710, GPA 3.7
Columbia | Mr. Fintech Data Scientist
GMAT 710, GPA 3.66
Tuck | Mr. Opportunities In MBB
GMAT 710, GPA 3.4
Stanford GSB | Mr. Co-Founder & Analytics Manager
GMAT 750, GPA 7.4 out of 10.0 - 4th in Class
Harvard | Mr. Strategy For Social Good
GRE 325, GPA 3.5
MIT Sloan | Mr. Spaniard
GMAT 710, GPA 7 out of 10 (top 15%)
NYU Stern | Ms. Hopeful NYU Stern Marketing Ph.D.
GRE 297, GPA 2.8
Harvard | Mr. Strategy Consultant Middle East
GMAT 760, GPA 3.4

Taking The GMAT 21 Years Later

Some 21 years after earning his MBA degree at Dartmouth College'e Tuck School, standup comedian Paul Ollinger sits for the GMAT

Some 21 years after earning his MBA degree at Dartmouth College’e Tuck School, standup comedian Paul Ollinger sits for the GMAT

Here I am in suburban Atlanta at the Pearson test center where in 30 minutes I will be taking the GMAT, the test that will determine which business schools will find me to be an attractive candidate.

It’s going to be a four-hour grind requiring focus, efficiency and mental endurance. To maintain my mental acuity I have brought a bottle of water and a Nature Valley granola bar to consume during my brief intra-test break.

My heart is racing. My hands are clammy. I am more than a little nauseous.

I really shouldn’t be this nervous. I’ve studied. I’ve reviewed. I’ve taken multiple practice tests.

But the main reason I shouldn’t be nervous is that I already have an MBA.

Yeah, from Dartmouth’s Tuck school. Class of ’97, baby!

I’ve also had a pretty solid post-MBA career in digital media, with career stops at Yahoo!, Facebook, and – oddly enough – years’ worth of time in comedy clubs where I have performed over 500 stand-up comedy shows.

WHY AM I TAKING THE EXAM? MY WIFE ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTION

So, why am I doing this? (my wife asked me the same question this morning)

I’m here because I’m writing a book titled You Should Totally Get an MBA: The Comedian’s Guide to Top Tier Business Schools.

It is a longer form project than the weighty business articles I’ve written over the past few years (see Apple’s $178 Billion in Cash Would Buy SO MUCH WEED on Huffington Post).

Like all great B-school guidebooks, it’s got school reviews, interview advice, and ridiculous amounts of nudity.

Okay, maybe not so much nudity. Maybe in the sequel.

In writing said book, I have tried to replicate the mindset of a current MBA applicant, which means studying for and re-taking this bear of a test.

For that reason, I am fixin’ to get my GMAT on.

I check in. Dude behind the desk asks my name, reviews my ID, then scans my palm for vein-pattering identification. CIA technology to deter cheaters. All right, GMAC.*

WHERE IS MY OATS ‘N HONEY GRANOLA BAR?

I return to the waiting area to realize that I can’t find my granola bar. This is not okay. I get really whiny when I’m hungry.

I return to the desk and ask, “Did you see the granola bar I left up here?”

“Uhhh, no.” he replies, offering a cursory glance around his desk, then looking at me like I’m a deranged idiot.

“It’s Oats ‘n Honey” I add, confirming his suspicion.

Dude couldn’t care less.

Does this guy know what’s at stake here? This is game day! This is the Super Bowl that determines whether I have the goods to pretend apply to HBS or Stanford! If this was my first crack at the test, I would be freaking out.

But it’s not.

* GMAC is the name of the organization that administers the GMAT, and is also the name of a hip-hop artist whose rap song Turnt Up begins:

“I’m addicted to the money…if it ain’t about them hundreds, , you ain’t sayin’ nothin’.” Coincidence?

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